I will be fifty-eight on the 25th. I will not be attending any of my classes that day. It's my high holy day of the year. (Keep your Christmas.) Some of you ask if I will be sixty this year, which is offensive, grossly offensive, on two levels.
One: When I say kindly, No, I will be fifty-eight, not sixty, you snap back, "I didn't think so." But, Bitch, it was your FIRST GUESS! Own up to it.
Two: You ask if I will be sixty assuming that sixty, a round number, 6-0, is a "special" birthday, warranting a special celebration, perhaps more expensive gifts for my Diamond Jubilee--as if you think I'm going to let you ... or anybody ... get away with taking my 58 years on the CHEAP!
So let's clear the air here. Fifty-eight IS a big deal, okay? Taking into consideration the Darwinian "dead pool" of longevity, I have already outlived Lincoln (56), Shakespeare (52), Proust (51), Gorgeous George (48), Billie Holiday (44), JFK (46), Van Gogh (37), Mozart (35), Alexander the Great (32), Kurt Cobain (27), Tupac (25), and James Dean (24), none of whom lived long enough to accomplish much of anything of importance blog-wise--so show a little fucking respect.
My prematurely dilatory Facebook friend aside, the rest of you guys need to get on the ball. As you know, the longer you wait the pricier the gift ends up being--or you wind up giving me something "thoughtful," like a crinkled foil gum wrapper you will try to pass off as being in your pocket the day we first met--Bullshit! To give a cheap thoughtful gift, you have to actually be thoughtful, which means you are already on top of this looming crisis, but for the rest of you, it's time to call Visa and verify your available credit.
To help you along, here's a wish list. Study it. Be prepared to be held accountable for it.
My prematurely dilatory Facebook friend aside, the rest of you guys need to get on the ball. As you know, the longer you wait the pricier the gift ends up being--or you wind up giving me something "thoughtful," like a crinkled foil gum wrapper you will try to pass off as being in your pocket the day we first met--Bullshit! To give a cheap thoughtful gift, you have to actually be thoughtful, which means you are already on top of this looming crisis, but for the rest of you, it's time to call Visa and verify your available credit.
To help you along, here's a wish list. Study it. Be prepared to be held accountable for it.
- Ten-year membership to the Rent Boy of the Week Club--though undoubtedly it would be cheaper simply to pay my rent for ten years.
- A year-round, permanently reserved carriage house at the Maison Dupuy Hotel, New Orleans.
- Front row seats to WWE's Wrestlemania XXVII in Atlanta on April 3rd. Yeah, that's very expensive now, what with scalpers and all, and it is ten full days after my birthday--but was it me who told you to procrastinate?
- A 17-inch MacBook Pro in brushed silver, an iPad 2, and, oh, might as well, an iPhone 4.
- A small but memorable role as Ryan Reynolds' valet, dresser, confidant, and personal assistant in the sequel to The Green Lantern.
- Every Tarzan movie ever made on Blu-Ray, fully restored in high definition and enhanced 7.1 surround sound.
- World Peace, an End to Hunger, and an internationally signed agreement that the climate not be permitted to change ever again.
- Front row tickets to see Lady Gaga in concert at the MGM Grand Hotel in Las Vegas ... on my birthday!
- A lifetime supply of Coca-Cola Classic (pricier than you may think--I'm addicted to the stuff--like frigging heroin).
- A 24-hour shopping spree at Nordstrom's, the downtown Seattle location will do--it's the biggest ... I checked.
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