Thursday, December 17, 2009

Wet Blankets (and Not in a Good Way)

It's starting to dawn on me that some of my acquaintance are wet blankets.   I guess this comes with age: the loss of vivacity, the propensity for finding fault, the sharp decline in adventurousness, the turned-up nose.

What bothers me more is seeing a growing number of these symptoms in myself.  What symptoms, you ask?
  1. Speaking as if one expects to be quoted later, preferably with an affected accent
  2. Enumerating the things one would have to dragged into doing
  3. Turning conversations to the subject of one's aches and pains
  4. Granting others permission, with magnanimous tolerance, to do things one would never do oneself
  5. Calling anybody (other than oneself) "oversexed"
  6. Using "one" as a pronoun, instead of "I," "we," or "you"
  7. Sitting, excessively, preferably in something overstuffed
  8. Favoring absolute adverbs:  "never," "always," "definitely," "absolutely"
  9. Criticizing other people's tastes (in fashion, entertainment, travel destinations, etc.)
  10. Being oh so bored with the topic of sex (or any topic, for that matter)
  11. Having other plans for the evening, but always ambiguous ones
  12. Liking nothing more than a good walk
  13. Complaining about all the noise and smoke in public places
  14. Asking rhetorically, "When did people become so ...?"
  15. Making a point of taking others down a notch or two
  16. Saying, with a great deal of studied nonchalance, "I suppose I've just outgrown __________"
  17. Saying "suppose"
  18. Wincing at other people's remarks and observations
  19. Insisting on a good night's sleep
  20. Knowing the exact boundaries of what is likely to be funny or not
Three of these symptoms means you're a wet blanket.  Four or five, and you're a party pooper.  Six to ten of these, and you're a fogey.

More than ten, consider the possibility that your personality is flatlining.

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