Yes, folks, I’m gay. I can’t bear that another child might artificially enter the world and learn through my bad example that it is built on lies and secrets. I wasn’t raised that way—and by ‘that way’ I do not mean “that way” in quotes, I mean I wasn’t raised to disillusion the young and innocent. Besides, let the little rat’s assholes find these things out on their own. The dears.
I never intended to lie to anybody at all. In all sincerity, I intended only to deny that I am gay … repeatedly. I also hoped to win a $100 million lawsuit against NATIONAL ENQUIRER and high-priced rough-trade snitch John Paulus. Ninety-minute barebacking session on a motel mattress? I don’t think so, Johnny-O.
I’m still the same sweet fella whom you guys have loved out of all proportion to your knowledge of me for years now. If you fans leave me now, I don’t want you to leave hating me. Leave me because I abandoned the haircut. Leave me for covering “Here You Come Again.” Leave me because I’ve now shit on half of Kathy Griffin’s act.
As for my born-again fans, the ones who promised to sue my management if it ever turned out I was gay, um, hello? … especially you there who blogged, “Please tell me I'm not the only one who is shocked beyond belief! I feel numb I'm so upset. This can't be real!!" … to you, I say,
“God bless you, little lamb. May you never prove to be this big of a sucker ever again in your life. God bless. And good luck on the new diet.”